I keep asking myself why God hates me. Some people keep telling me he doesn’t, but I can’t come up with any other explanation for his absence every time I need him most. I can’t understand why else he only ever takes away and never gives. I can’t understand why else every prayer I’ve ever sent up to him has gone unheard and unanswered, leaving me to believe that praying is nothing but a waste of time because nobody is listening, because nobody is going to answer. I can’t understand why else he would so easily allow me to turn away from him and not fight at all to keep me in his embrace that I could never feel, because his arms were never around me in the first place even when I begged for them to be. I can’t come up with any other explanation for why he would stick me with something that I knew, from the moment I realized I’m gay, would ultimately lead to my demise. Even after more than ten years repeating to myself over and over that it would be okay, that things would change for the better, things would change enough that I wouldn’t have to suffer at the hands of my orientation, I find myself again with evidence that things will not change… at least not enough and not where it matters most, not for me and not while I’m here to reap the rewards of the fighting I’ve done in search of the change.
I believed that I could make a difference and so I fought. I preached love where others preached hate and I tried to be louder. I screamed with the masses while the enemy was leaving others in the community dead at our feet, either with their hands or their words. I did my best to educate, to make people open their eyes and their hearts and I watched my words go in one ear and out the other hoping that at least a few would stick. I see now that none of them did. I wrote articles, I made videos with words and pictures that I knew people didn’t want to see but that I knew they needed to. They needed to see the injured gay man left beaten in the street by people who used God as their excuse to beat, stab, shoot, and kill us. They needed to know about people in the community who were taking their own lives because of the way followers with closed minds and closed hearts are using God against people like me. But it doesn’t do much good when they shut their eyes and they turn away. Life has proven to me that the fighting I have done hasn’t been enough and it’s hard to keep fighting so everyone else but me can reap the rewards that might or might not come from years of shedding my own blood, sweat, and tears. I’m sick of being told to keep fighting, sick of being told to do something. I have been fighting. I have been doing something. It’s time for others to start stepping up and fighting too. It’s time for those telling others to fight and telling others to do something, to start fighting and start doing something. It’s time for the silent to speak out, because silence isn’t going to protect any of us, it’s only going to keep holding us back and hurting us.
Of course I feel like none of this would even be an issue if the all seeing, all knowing, all powerful God that I’m supposed to believe in would step in and start using those powers to do something good for once and start fixing a broken world that he’s pretty clearly turned his back on. He’s supposed to be the father that loves his children but I see no love; I see only hate, war, destruction, and his own creation that he’s allowing to crumble while he sits back to watch. See, not only have I come to believe that God must hate me, or why else would I be suffering through the things that I am when I’ve begged for it to stop, bled in hopes that my bleeding would make it stop, but also that he must hate the world, or well else not step up and start fixing the things that are broken rather than letting them break more. I’ve come to believe, with the proof life has laid out in front of me, that if God and the devil truly do exist, then perhaps they are simply two sides of the same angry, vengeful, hateful entity and we’ve all been lied to and dragged into a sick game that we’re all doomed to lose in the end. And it’s the hateful, ignorant bigots out there who have pulled me away from God and driven me to come to this conclusion. It’s because of the people who keep using God as a weapon of hate against me and others in this community that I have come to believe that either God doesn’t exist, or he and the devil are one and the same.