Not a Choice

Trigger Warning: This post contains strong language and suggestions of suicide, violence, and self harming.

“It’s a choice.”


You think I want this life?

“It’s a choice.”


Go ahead and keep screaming in my face that in the bible it’s “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” insist that “being gay is a choice,” tell me that I can change and try to stick me in fucking conversion therapy thinking that will “cure” me of something I spent too long believing was a fucking disease thanks to your fucking lies. Insist that we can just “pray the gay away.” You think I didn’t fucking try that. I spent countless nights down on my fucking knees begging for this to go away, begging to be fucking normal and it didn’t change a fucking thing. And you god damn better fucking believe that I damn near fucking killed myself trying to change; I wanted to fucking kill myself so I wouldn’t have the life that I have lived and that I feel like I’m doomed to continue to live… continue to suffer through because too many people with skewed beliefs think that I made a choice to be attracted to woman instead of men; people seem to think that I somehow have control over the feelings in my gut and my heart and the chemicals that flow through my brain that make me yearn for a woman to love instead of a man.


“It’s a choice.”


Because it makes perfect fucking sense that I would chose something that makes my life so much fucking harder. I have to worry about somebody deciding they don’t like the fact that I’m a lesbian, that my heart belongs to a woman instead of a man, so their solution is to fucking stab me or shoot me or beat me to death. What you don’t realize is that because of my orientation… no, not because of my orientation. Because of your shit behavior, your CHOICE to hate instead of love and accept, like the same fucking book you use to condemn me commands you to (guess you must have missed that part too focused on the parts that you can use as an excuse to be a fucking shit human being), I would happily take your fucking knife and plunge it into my own chest. Give me your fucking gun, I’ll do the dirty work for you and you can stand there and watch and know that it’s because of you that I’m lying broken and bleeding at your feet. Careful my blood doesn’t get on your shoes. I’m sure the bottoms are already soaked in enough of the blood you helped spill from my brothers and sisters that still stains the streets. Maybe you can’t see it anymore, but rest assured it’s still there.


“It’s a choice.”


Because finding somebody to love someone like me who is made of glass that’s so easily shattered, finding somebody who will love me despite my past and despite all the flaws I have that I wish I could cast away, despite the scars I put on my own skin when I couldn’t handle the emotional pain, isn’t hard enough as it is. Add in that I also have a find a girl who fits that criteria and also happens to like girls and isn’t just out to tear me down more like every one before her has. And then make sure it’s damn near impossible that I can find that girl and keep her for the rest of my miserable life because I finally find the girl I’ve been looking for, I finally find my once in a lifetime and then she’s ripped away from me because your hatred and ignorance makes her feel like she has to hide and I’m left honestly believing that I’m doomed to suffer alone because I know I can’t find another like her.


“It’s a choice.”


One second you tell me that who I am is a choice and the next second you’re telling people that we’re all made in your god’s image. Well if your god exists than he fucking made me this way, in his perfect fucking image. If you want me to change, then maybe you should start screaming this shit in his face instead of in mine. If he exists then he put me in this world this way and if you don’t like it then why don’t you start taking it out on him instead of taking it on me.


“It’s a choice.”


You insist that your book says it’s a sin for two women or two men to love one another. Fine, let it be a fucking sin, let it be a fucking choice like you small minded, ignorant, assholes insist because you apparently know me and what I feel so much better than I do. But when judgment day comes, rest assured you’ll be judged far harsher for CHOOSING to hate instead of love those who are different, who don’t fit your narrow minded view of what’s “right,” and can’t just either accept or ignore something that has no impact on you anyway and would rather see people be miserable and take away their chance at happiness so you can be more fucking comfortable.


“It’s a choice.”


No, it’s not. But your hate is.


About angry-gayace-space-kitten

Caitlin is an openly lesbian and asexual writer, photographer, editor, and activist. When she isn’t writing, she’s usually out and about taking photos, doing research for her stories that has likely landed her on the NSA’s watch-list, playing video games, reading, hiking, fighting for equality, or binge-watching one of her many favorite TV shows.
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